50+ Short Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings to share
Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.
You were too lazy to read that number.
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Funny quotes and sayings
Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
A tree’s final moment of revenge.
Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.
My six-pack is protected by a layer of fat.
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Short funny quotes
When nothing is going right, go left.
If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.
Silence is golden unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.
Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.
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Funny sayings about life
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.
At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.
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Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
They say ‘don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Sincerely, the floor.
I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.
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Life is short quotes
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.
I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
My windows aren’t dirty, my dog is painting.
No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.
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Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
I know that I am intelligent because I know that I know nothing. – Socrates
Art doesn’t transform. It just plain forms. – Roy Lichtenstein
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Every day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.
Why can’t you play cards on a small boat? Because someone is always sitting on the deck.
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Funny inspirational sayings
Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow.
When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
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I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad!
Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, I’ll add ‘LOL’ at the end.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
Smiles are contagious, be a carrier.
Short inspirational quotes
Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.
A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.
I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year.
I love my computer because all my friends live inside it.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
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